‘I chose not to choose’

Bhavyaa

Choices and Decisions. Aren’t these synonyms. To my opinion they were, turns out the semantics of choices and decisions is as diverging as life before the pandemic and life as of now. The difference is evident but we fail to

A choice involves options to choose from without much worrying about the consequences. Say we visit an ice cream parlour and we have a variety of flavours to choose from and we don’t worry about our calorie count for the day. Decisions slightly differ from choices as the latter involves a good amount of thinking and a rational perspective. Now if I decide to eat an ice cream I would definitely agonize over the calories and the guilt following my impulsive icecream binge.

The difference sounds technical and I don’t wish to sound didactic here. What I learned over the years, choices are often made from heart. You listen to…

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‘I chose not to choose’

Choices and Decisions. Aren’t these synonyms. To my opinion they were, turns out the semantics of choices and decisions is as diverging as life before the pandemic and life as of now.

A choice involves options to choose from without much worrying about the consequences. Say we visit an ice cream parlour and we have a variety of flavours to choose from and we don’t worry about our calorie count for the day. Decisions slightly differ from choices as the latter involves a good amount of thinking and a rational perspective. Now if I decide to eat an ice cream I would definitely agonized over the calories and the guilt following my impulsive ice cream binge.

The difference sounds technical and I don’t wish to sound didactic here. What I learned over the years, choices are often made from heart. You listen to what your “heart says” and decisions, well they are a by-product of our mind. When I look back upon my childhood, I was probably around seven or eight. I had three friends and we were inseparable. We were considered good students but not good enough to be liked by all our teachers. To some, we were merely a bunch of notorious girls. To be honest, I don’t seem to remember why I chose to be friends with them and not any other kid given that I wasn’t as socially capable as I’m now. I chose because I chose. No ifs and buts involved, it was as simple as that. Over the years, our bond weakened. Was it because we didn’t care enough about each over. I don’t think so. Maybe because of ‘decisions’ getting involved. As I grew up, I cam to realize that life’s imperceptible and I want to make the most of it. If we begin to incur these life lessons through adolescence, that depicts how well our lives will be shaped.

One day post supper, my father came to me to discuss the cause of a precipitous fall in my grades and where was I struggling. He was not upset with me just gave a queer look and said, ‘it is time to let go of the things that your heart makes you do and rather start thinking from you mind. The decisions made by your conscious are well grounded and rewarding. Your heart can tempt you into prof-ligating things.’ Those words took me by a squall and I instantly knew what he was alluding to. That was the first time when I Chose not to Choose.

But life cannot be solely built on decisions. We decide something, we weigh all the possible scenarios and then take an imperative action. Much often we don’t care to take ‘an acton’ because we are occupied doubting our decisions and subsequently we ‘choose’ to quit.

So I somehow managed to bring up ‘choice’ because choices are just opportunities ahead of us. One often gets an opportunity to quit and so he or she did. Decisions are deciding upon what matters the most to us and putting all our efforts into it. I just reread the last few lines that I wrote and inferred a new insight- Isn’t this concept similar to weighted mean method. Sorry I seem to have a love-hate relationship with math.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been meaning to find the difference in choices and decisions and even after reading the perspective of few psychologists I still wasn’t there. Until once I happen to watch a snippet from Shahrukh’s ‘Dear Zindagi’ where he said, “if you’re not ready for something either emotionally or physically. you can always choose to drop out of it.” It was Eureka moment for me. “If we never take risks in life how can we expect ourselves to grow? If we cannot be head on with challenges, can we be a better version of ourselves?” You know they say, when the competition seems too easy. you should realize you’re in the wrong group.The fact that my father taught me to decide upon matters of life and not choose them as they come to you. When a mere 12-year-old could deeply acknowledge those words pure wisdom then why the 18-year-old me was so whimsical about her future.

Choosing is not erroneous or an outdated model, in some cases it might be the prime option when all decisions have been considered. But the moment choosing takes over deciding, our dreams go stand by. Deep down we all know, what holds utmost importance in our lives but lack of courage plays an unspoken role.

Ephemeral summer’20

That summer of 2020 we all were looking forward to. That summer of 2020 where we pledged to make it better than summer 2019- the summer body, that mid semester internship in big four and that much-awaited trekking trip with friends. But here we are locked inside “our homes”. To some of us sitting inside is akin to dungeon and then there is the half of another half, Yes I expect you to do some math fighting for us 24×7.

One hand in a bowl full of cheesy popcorn, the other scrolling through my blog and eyes swerving from Netflix to phone screens. While some hands in despair of never making back to “their homes”. These times are tough, who could have imagined such a thing happening in the 21st century where all nations are well equipped with resources and we considered ourselves immortal.

In the race of endeavoring ourselves constantly we somewhere forgot how simple life could be and it is only us who makes it tangled in judgements and prejudices. That lives cost the same for rich and poor and the feeling of gratitude should never leave one’s conscious. We always planned our days, actions and even words what to say what not to say. Well sometimes, it is better to not have a plan as life guided by the universe has its own course and goes by it. Don’t worry if you don’t have a plan for now because there exist chances for a plan to fail. And many times, to not have things planned might be the best plan. Like I planned to graduate this year.

Trust me we all are going to miss this lean period of life. Sitting with our families, eating together and away from the hard and fast life something that seemed a distant childhood memory. My feelings for the current scenario are ambivalent but one thing is certain for me that “life will never be the same for all of us after surviving a pandemic”.

May’2019
Carrying my summer travel essentials by all means.